married 6 months…i just dont know how to tell my husband that i have terrible debt…he seems to avoid hearing me and attempting to assume and responsibility to help me. It is putting my marriage at risk because I am so stressed….. i cant focus on the whole marriage be happy thing!!! I feel ashamed and also like a failure!!!
What do i do…how do I ask for help? part of me is really made because I have to ask for help!!!! I guess I am angry that I have to spell it out so much for him? I feel like the marraige is at risk if I have to continue to handle this on my own.
One of the things life has taught me is that when it comes to relationships i find that people of opposite money concerns attract each other. For example, spenders attract savers and free spenders attract budgeters. There are a number of reasons why this happens but that’s for another discussion.
You said, “I guess I am angry that I have to spell it out so much for him?” Just because you are good at managing money and being aware of your financial responsibilities that doesn’t mean he’s going to be. Especially if he’s in a creative field like artist, salesperson, etc. Some of us are just wired differently.
Take my wife and I. After 30 years of marriage she still doesn’t get the fact I never remember to take the trash out. It bugs her. I don’t do it intentionally. I don’t try to avoid it. I just never remember it. I also never remember to get napkins at fast food restaurants. There might be some reason why I’m that way but it beats me. It’s just the way God made me. But then again God also made me so I always remember to put the seat down.
The conversation you really need to have is if he will allow you to assume control of the family finances. If he will, which I would imagine he would, then it will be your responsibility to give him a quick weekly update where you all stand. You could even create a separate bank account for him and transfer a weekly allowance into it for him so he can have a little bit of free money to do with as he wants.
If you take over managing the family finances it will be important for you to make it a point of keeping him in the loop on how the finances are going. You never want to let him think you’ve frozen him out. That will lead to resentment.
If you are hoping to change him into a money responsible person like yourself, that’s not going to happen and if you think you can do anything to change that it will just lead to stress and conflicts.
You are not a failure, nor a loser. You just handle money differently. That’s all.
Here are three previous posts that might be helpful to you as well.
Please post your responses and follow-up messages to me on this in the comments section below.My Husband and I Can't Talk About Our Debt. The Stress is Terrible. - Melissa by Steve Rhode