humor
Heidi Montag Warns Consumers About Using Credit Cards for Plastic Surgery. Funny!
Here are a couple of videos to make you smile today, even though Heidi can’t.
Bonus Funny Video
@GetOutOfDebtGuy
Source: Heidi Montag Warns Consumers About Using Credit Cards for Plastic Surgery. Funny!
Exchanges Between Pilots and Control Towers
Being a pilot myself I found the recorded conversations between pilots and control towers to be hilarious and had to share it with you.
@GetOutOfDebtGuy
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
—
Tower: [...]
Click here to read the rest of "Exchanges Between Pilots and Control Towers"
amiadori
Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, “I didn’t get wet so it wasn’t cheating.”
Click here to read the rest of "amiadori"
21yearoldvirgin
Today, I paid 11 dollars to see the new Wolverine movie. I arrived an hour early and waited patiently for the movie to start. 3 minutes before it began, a drunk guy stumbled in and took the last empty seat in the theater… next to me. He talked to me the whole movie.
Click here to read the rest of "21yearoldvirgin"
voltumna
Today, at 4 AM, I locked myself out of my apartment. After calling friends in vain, I decided to just sit on the doorstep and wait for someone to come in. I sat for 10 minutes before a homeless man insisted threateningly that I move. I was kicked off my own front doorstep by a homeless man.
Click here to read the rest of "voltumna"
kattydoo07
Today, I found out I have a restraining order against me from my ex boyfriend. Apparently, I drive by his house too much and it is considered stalking. He forgot that I live 2 houses down, and MUST drive by his house to get home.
Click here to read the rest of "kattydoo07"
Fykkhttdsetkkhvln
Today, I was snuggling with my neighbors four week old kitten while babysitting their kids. I fell asleep, rolled over, and woke up next to a dead kitten.
Click here to read the rest of "Fykkhttdsetkkhvln"
GreenMonstR
Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the women’s breasts. It wasn’t until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics.
Click here to read the rest of "GreenMonstR"
whatthehell
Today, my mom had big news. I’ve been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She’s quitting. She doesn’t want to hurt the dog.
Click here to read the rest of "whatthehell"
COA
Today, at my job at an ophthalmology office I was checking a patient’s vision. In broken English he tried to explain to me that he couldn’t see out of his eye. After trying to asses his vision for 5 min, I finally realized what he was trying to tell me. I was checking his vision in his FAKE eye.
Click here to read the rest of "COA"
fencernick
Today, I was eating a hamburger on the street when a pigeon came down to take a bite. I ran and got 30 birds or so chasing me. My legs were burning, half of my burger was gone, and an entire office building was laughing at me.
Click here to read the rest of "fencernick"
xxbobsan
Today, I told my girlfriend I was quitting the town baseball team. She said “Great. Now we can get someone with actual talent on the team.” I laughed because I thought she was joking. She then replied “What’s so funny?”
Click here to read the rest of "xxbobsan"
thompson773
Today, I was sick on an airplane. As we were taking off, I felt like I was ready to hurl. I was sitting in the window seat and was unable to get up in time to go to the bathroom so I was forced to grab the nearest container to puke in. It was a glass of juice belonging to the woman next to me.
Click here to read the rest of "thompson773"
imanidiot
Today, I ordered take out, and paid with a credit card. The cute cashier gave me the receipt to sign, and under ‘tip’ I gave a couple of dollars. I realized that I had given too much, crossed it out, and changed it. Unaware she was watching, She then responded, “Did you just lower the tip by $1?”
Click here to read the rest of "imanidiot"
wellgreat
Today, I was in the Student Union when a man a came up to me and asked if I wanted to be in a study to see how men acted differently when working with attractive women. Flattered and taken aback, I agreed. He then told me I would be part of the control group to see how they act around plain looking women.
Click here to read the rest of "wellgreat"
spiderhater
Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I’m some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn’t the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall.
Click here to read the rest of "spiderhater"
JimmyJazzNJ
Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said “Don’t go here, the weeds too expensive.” and walked away. Thinking he’s coming back to say he’s joking, he instead say “i’m just kidding its really cheap” and walked away. I may or may not still have a job.
Click here to read the rest of "JimmyJazzNJ"
whoops
Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today.
Click here to read the rest of "whoops"
blutownie13
Today, I told my ex boyfriend I lost 20 lbs because of the stress of the break up. His response was “your welcome.”
Click here to read the rest of "blutownie13"
fedlife
Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can also fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body.
Click here to read the rest of "fedlife"
BadBreath
Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they’re there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice.
Click here to read the rest of "BadBreath"
hammylove
Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers.
Click here to read the rest of "hammylove"
eun
Today, at lunch I was running to my group’s table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled ‘SAFE!’ like a baseball umpire.
Click here to read the rest of "eun"
ready_set_go
Today, my sister told my mother how she saw our neighbour’s son at the movies with a girl and that they were kissing. My mother proceeded to say that any girl willing to date someone so ugly must have self esteem issues and they laughed. I’m his girlfriend, my sister didnt recognize me.
Click here to read the rest of "ready_set_go"
ineedanewjob
Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn’t. They WANTED me to quit.
Click here to read the rest of "ineedanewjob"
nothing
Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn’s pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing “Awwwwww” I wrote “Ewwwwww” by mistake.
Click here to read the rest of "nothing"
UGH
Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream.
Click here to read the rest of "UGH"
livay315
Today, my daughters school was putting on a fashion show for charity and all the kids were supposed to ask their mothers to be in it. I asked my daughter about it and she said “well I was going to ask you, but they said only to ‘ask all of your BEAUTIFUL mommies.”
Click here to read the rest of "livay315"
Crazy09
Today, my girlfriend told me that she had an ultrasound tomorrow morning. With a confused look on my face, she said to me “don’t worry, it’s not yours.”
Click here to read the rest of "Crazy09"
blizzard_of_77
Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, “Your nuts!” She meant, “YOU’RE nuts.” I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence.
Click here to read the rest of "blizzard_of_77"
StevieMe
Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph.
Click here to read the rest of "StevieMe"
bkeiya
Today, I saw my train pulling in to the station. I sprinted up the stairs and luckily made the train. I looked around and no one was in my compartment. I began to notice that the train was heading down some tracks I’d never been too. I got stuck on an empty train for 3 hours in the train garage.
Click here to read the rest of "bkeiya"
cdoyle
Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As i put my hand in his boxers he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. .
Click here to read the rest of "cdoyle"
aeterne
Today, my boss informed me that it is now my responsibility to wash the dishes, since my co-workers are consistently too lazy to clean up after themselves. I have a bachelor’s degree. Which I earned at the same university I now work at.
Click here to read the rest of "aeterne"
jerkgirl
Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said “let me do it, you’re going to burn me!”. I then burned two layers of skin off my ear.
Click here to read the rest of "jerkgirl"
eeee
Today, I was walking slowly and awkwardly down the stairs on my crutches. After two steps, a screw fell out of the left crutch and it collapsed. I now have a broken arm from trying to protect my broken leg as I tumbled down two flights of stairs.
Click here to read the rest of "eeee"
4gottenmemories
Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said “Ashley’s kindergarten Play-’95″, I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see “Days of our lives”, “Melrose Place”, and “ER”. My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows.
Click here to read the rest of "4gottenmemories"
aviators
Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote “OMG.”
Click here to read the rest of "aviators"
saltynutz20
Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight i noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly.
Click here to read the rest of "saltynutz20"
AlmostScdOtOf68Bucks
Today, I got accepted to the North America Scholar Consortium as a Member of the Highest Honor, which I had applied for a few weeks ago. Happy to be able to add something good to my resume, I called my mom excitedly, and then Googled it to ascertain the level of prestige. Turns out it’s a scam.
Click here to read the rest of "AlmostScdOtOf68Bucks"
